Even a sad story can be too good to be true

It was all a cruel, terrible, hoax. But was Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o one of the perpetrators of the hoax or the victim of it?


I don't know. But I can believe that he was the victim. I can relate and I empathize.

Deadspin.com revealed the hoax today. I didn't hear the story of Te'o girlfriend's death during the football season, so I didn't feel deceived by Te'o or the media that told and retold the story, spreading the legend. But when I read Te'o statement it read like something I could have said or written myself. I found more than a kernel of truth in the words at which many critics are scoffing. I have been there, so I don't doubt another young man could get there too.

I have avoided the topic here for many reason. The woman I was involved with in an online relationship knows about this site and got quite upset when I wrote about it in the past. Plus, I felt ashamed and foolish.

It was really only after our conversations ended that I began to understand something of the extent to which I had been deceived. I still don't know what all the lies were. At this point, it no longer matters. I was too trusting. Too willing to believe. I don't know if there was any intent to harm on her part. I don't really care.

But there are parts of what Te'o said in his statement that ring true based on my experience. It's hard to explain an online only relationship to family and friends. I left out details. I patched over inconvenient parts because if there was a chance that we would have been able to bring the relationship into the real world I wanted family and friends to not judge.

I should have judged more myself, though.

Every time we were close to meeting, something always came up. There was a last-minute crisis. An emergency or an illness prevented the rendezvous.

She didn't want to talk on webcam. I never saw her face, in spite of years of off and on contact. Eventually that became a big problem for me but I have to admit that there was a freedom in it too. I was more confident to say what I was really thinking about things. I just blurted or typed them out and didn't get sidetracked by visual cues that might have led me to bite my tongue.

For the longest time, there were no photos shared. Then, after lots of pushing and prodding and nagging on my part, there were finally a few photos shared. I later learned that the photos were actually of someone else. No, that couldn't be, she insisted. Well, maybe a few pictures of someone else got mixed in with ones she sent. That lie was exposed too.

I don't know if she was just trying to hide something or if she was pathological. I wanted to know why for a long time. I wanted to solve the mysteries. Now, I count myself fortunate that the experience didn't cost me more in some way. I didn't suffer the same public embarrassment and criticism Te'o is currently facing from sports columnists and bloggers and Twitter critics. I just had my own private torment. And the loss of an online companion and confidante who I used to talk to nearly every day. She helped me get through a bad breakup. She helped me start to envision and even crave a committed relationship again.

I can believe that Te'o grieved the death of his online girlfriend. I grieved the loss of the relationship I had too, no matter how dysfunctional and deceptive it was.

I can't say Te'o story is true that he was the one deceived. But I, for one, believe that it is possible. It rings true from my experience.

Sad.

But all too possibly true.

Gateway to Hell (Part 5)

Well, I finally figured out why my e-mail wasn't working. I needed to install updates to my basic software. I forgot how long it takes to get a computer actually operational.

I was paying a bill online and trying to look at a statement, but there was no software on the computer for viewing pdf files. Not to mention having to set up all the website favorites for the websites I want and need to access.

What I have not done yet is try to figure out how to recover my music files from my iPod. I have gone so far as to look a bit at what my options are for doing that. Unfortunately, I don't know what software package to buy for this little deed. So, if you stumble on this blog and have ever had to recover music from your iPod due to a hard drive crash, I'd appreciate any advice, suggestions or warning you may have about the process and what software to use (or avoid).

Gateway to Hell (Part 4)

Surprise, surprise, there was something wrong with the hard drive on my computer. They replaced the hard drive and now called me Sunday that it was ready. So I went to pick it up today.

Of course, that experience could not be without a glitch. The system disk I took in with the computer, which the computer folks directed me to leave with the computer, was no where to be found when I picked up the laptop. So, they'll either have to mail it to me or I'll have to go back and pick it up.

So, I've been futzing around with the computer for hours, trying to get it back in operation. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever get it back to anything close to where it was. And I don't think I'll trust it enough to try, at least not for a while.

But for now, I have my laptop back, and it only has taken about a month since I first took it in. It seems to be working. And it is certainly faster than my old desktop.

But for some reason, I can't get my e-mail to work right. I'm too tired to mess with it any more today.

Epilogue to How long does it take to get over someone completely

Every day, it seems, someone comes here looking for answers as to how long their broken heart will take to mend. I guess that shouldn't surprise me, as I turned to all sort of online resources when I was in the midst of my own heartbreak and despair, searching for answers. Searching for something to cling to when my world collapsed around me.

Searching for hope and reaching out for help.

And I found it too, but not on some website or blog, and it wasn't some profound discovery like finding some new continent after sailing across a vast empty ocean. It was more like the ocean tide itself, creeping up ever closer before retreating again, over and over, until finally, one day I realized I was afloat again. No longer aground. That's not to say the hull hasn't scraped bottom a few times since, but I've never end up high and dry again like before.

To those of you still searching, I empathize. I truly do. And perhaps on some of the posts here you may find something that you relate to, something that resonates with you and helps in some small way. (This post is feeling an awful lot like a rerun. Note to self: Need new blog material.... oh and a Powerball ticket.) But I don't have the answers to your quandary, because only you (and hopefully your family and friends) can effect how long it will take to move on from a relationship that once meant so much and is now gone.

Perhaps having a teenage daughter has helped me. It's hard to hate and entire gender when the person you love and care most for in the world is of that enemy camp.

It was amusing to me recently to see her with a new "friend" as she called him, acting all flirty and affectionate (OK, that part didn't amuse me very much) when just the day before she had broken up with the boy who was then her boyfriend. No long-lamented suffering there. Just youthful exuberance that I could only hope doesn't, and didn't, get too exuberant, if you know what I mean.

I wish I had some great "happy ending" to write for all you heartbroken seekers out there, but I can't do that. Not yet. For the ending to my life and love story is not yet done.

Once upon a time, my every waking moment was consumed with pain and loss. Now, I can't say there is are no down times or irritations. But it's normal life shit -- frustrations with work and gas prices and trying to balance the checkbook, not getting to spend enough time with family and friends or just living life to the fullest. Normal, old, boring life passing the time until the next time I get to express the passion and love for life and another person again.

But I say it again, people, this is not an advice to the lovelorn column. Someone left a comment on an one on my earlier breakup posts and I was tempted to fire back and just say "get over it already, and get over your damn self. Move the fuck on!" But I realized that isn't fair. For many, the pain is new and fresh or lingering. And they aren't trying to pull me back into my previous pain. After all, I chose to write the things I wrote and post the things I did. And maybe, just maybe, it will help someone to have something to read, or a place to vent some of their emotions too.

But I am not whomever the modern equivalent of Ann Landers or Dear Abby would be. I'm just me and past heartbreak doesn't rule my days or my dreams anymore. In fact it's not much more than a fading memory, like when I realized the other day that I got 4 stitches once after getting cut playing baseball, but I couldn't quite remember just how I got cut or just how much it hurt.

It's just a line on life's resume.

There are more important problems in my life now, like broken computers and the inability to update my iPod. Now that, my friends, is the stuff of 21st century Shakespearean tragedy.

Gateway to hell (part 3)

There's no such thing as a short stay in hell.

When I arrived home from work there was a message waiting on voicemail. The before-mentioned beleaguered laptop was back from Gateway and ready to be picked up at my local service center.

So, I trotted off to pick it up and returned home to attempt to at least reformat the drive and get the machine operational again. After all, before shipping the machine off to get it checked for the hinge problem, the service technicians had told me there was nothing wrong with the hard drive, other than it needed a complete reformatting. How that happens when there is nothing wrong with it and more virus protection on the thing than would fill a cyberpharmacy, I have no clue. But I figured, what the hell, I wasn't going to pay service technicians to reformat the drive and reinstall the system software.

But the kicker is, the drive wouldn't reformat. I tried it three or four times.

So, it looks like I will be making another trip back to the service technicians where they can check the thing over again. We'll see if being 19 and having zits makes them any more adept at software installation, not that I'm going to pay for it.

Have I mentioned the fact that I will never buy another Gateway laptop again?

So the saga continues.

Gateway to hell (part 2)

So I was checking my blog visitor report today, which doesn't take long when only a handful of people show up each day. And in the report I noticed that someone had come here by searching for "Gateway laptop broken hinge," which got me to thinking.

Hmmm, maybe my problem with my laptop is not unique. Maybe it wasn't a fluke, freak thing that the hinge on my laptop broke.

So, I got to doing some research. And I found several user forums and review sites that feature complaints or questions about what people have had to do to deal with broken hinges on laptops by Gateway and a company called eMachines, which Gateway bought out.

Moreover, there are posts on these forums reporting hinge problems, cracking and breaking, dating back to at least 2004. Like this one, and this one, and this one, and this one that doesn't talk about the hinges, but does talk about hard drive problems, and this one about all sorts of problems.

Now, on my computer problems, I went through the people who sold me my computer, not the manufacture up to this point. But I think I need to change that and give Gateway a call directing and find out just what the hell is going on and why they have been selling laptops that they know are susceptible to breakage, and then when they do break they don't fix them. I find that very curious. Curious indeed.

Now, I'm really irritated.

I'm not sure where all this is going to lead or what is going to happen, but this is not over. Not by a long shot. I am not happy with Gateway, but I'm getting a little worked up about the folks at the store I bought the machine from either, if their purchasing folk knew they these types of machines had defects. I think I need to ask their service folks point blank when I pick up my machine if the problems I experienced are common with these machines. I will be curious to here what they they say and just how they go about saying it. We'll leave the name of the store out of it... for now.

Gateway to hell

Got word today the manufacture of my laptop does not consider the broken hinge something they will repair under warranty. The estimate to repair it was more than half the price I paid for the machine in the first place. I won't be paying the $460-plus dollars to fix a machine I've had less than a year, mostly only used at home and which has crashed (meaning software/booting type crashed, not fallen) so hard twice that I had to restore the software and the latest crash wiped out all the data on the hard drive.

Nope, not worth fixing in my mind.

This old, slow computer is driving me nuts. Everything takes so long. Was it always this slow, or does it just seem slowers because CPUs are so much faster than they were when I bought this one? Or perhaps it is crappying out too in sympathy for its laptop brother made by the same company. I liked this old desktop machine and it is a reason I chose the manufacturer I did when I bought the laptop. But now this old workhorse don't want to work no more. But I'm going to have to live with it for a while until I can save up my pennies for a new machine, which will probably be another desktop model. For one thing, it will be cheaper than a laptop. And for another, I'm a bit leary of investing penny's I don't have in a portable machine to be my main computer now.

This last experience has made me gun shy about laptops, even though I loved the convenience of having one. Maybe I can nurse my fractured one along for a while. But do I dare load it back up with music again? Or photos? Not without a backup external drive, which is another expense I can't afford.

So I don't know what I will do. All I know is that when I am ready to move forward to get another computer, I WILL NOT be going through a Gateway to get there.

Don't tease me like that

I got the call from the computer technicians who had my laptop today. They had recovered data from the hard drive on my laptop. Needless to say I was thrilled. They also said my hard drive wasn't dead, but would need to be reformatted, which would wipe out the stuff on there. But they put the stuff they recovered onto a DVD. Could I come down and pick up the disk and sign some paperwork?

Hell, yes!

So off I went to the store, picked up the disk and signed paperwork to have the machine sent to the manufacturer to see if a they would fix a part that was broken under warranty. They said they couldn't guarantee the manufacture would say it was covered under warranty. But what the hell, I figured, it's worth a shot, and if I tried to keep using the machine with the broken part pretty soon the machine could become unusable. Since the machine is a laptop and the broken part is a hinge, which makes it damn near impossible to close the top without lots of sounds of cracking plastic and squealing on the part of the computer and myself. And if it keeps breaking further, what use is a topless laptop?

So off I went to my house with my little disk, all giddy. My photos! My music purchased from iTunes! It was worth the $99 for the recovery to not have to replace the music and there would be no way to replace the photos.

I got home, popped the dick into the old PC and went to look at my files. I knew I wouldn't have room on the old PC to move the recovered files there, but just to see them, to know they were there and safe would be reward enough for now. And there on the DVD were folders that looked familiar. I opened up my documents folder and inside that I opened up my photos folder. And all I found were the sample pictures that were in the folder when I bought the computer.

My giddy joy was replaced with sinking dread.

But I didn't panic. When they guy called to tell me they recovered stuff from the hard drive he told me they had found 4 backup attempts. He said he salvaged the last one. Obviously my stuff was in an earlier backup. So I call the store back. The guy one the phone plugged my machine into some other machine and he checked again. The earlier versions of the backup were completely empty.

Now it was too late to panic. Now the dread became outright despair over treasures lost.

There was one piece of good news out of the ordeal, although it involved another trip back to the store, and that was that they refunded my $99 recovery fee since, in fact, nothing was recovered except the basic files as part of the software installation. Oh, they said they could send my hard drive to their super tech gurus and run it through another whizbang machine, but that would cost several hundred, perhaps up to $1,500 dollars, or about twice what I paid for the laptop in the first place. And again, no guarantees anything could be recovered and weeks of waiting.

No I said. I can't afford that. Not financially. And I certainly couldn't afford the prospect of holding onto some slim hope again only to have those hopes dashed. Again.

So, now all that's left is to see if if the manufacturer will fix their machine. I mean, it seems reasonable to me to expect a laptop computer to be able to handle the wear and tear of opening the lid and closing it now and again. But who knows if they will think I'm too demanding of a customer. If they do think it's unreasonable I will certainly think it is unreasonable to pay them to repair it, and will most definitely find it unreasonable to ever buy one of their products again.

A guy can only stand so much rejection.

The computer ate my blog-work

Yea, yea, I know. I haven't been around much.

But I have good reasons.

First, I got all caught up in the College World Series and Oregon State's run to repeat as national champions, which, in case you weren't glued to ESPN like I was, they did! Go Beavs! (And thanks for noticing Gene, I was touched that you did, and commented as well.)

Then, well, then....

I was going to say I got busy, but that's not quite true. I just sort of never got back here.

Oh, I've had ideas for blog posts.

Like the day I filled up my car with gas and was so thrilled to be paying under $3 a gallon again until I realized I don't want to be happy about only paying 50-something to fill up my tank instead of 60-something. I want cheaper gas! Like under $2 a gallon. Which, sadly, we will never see again.

Or like the day when it got hot and I once again lamented the fact that I don't have air conditioning, before stopping to realize it's only hot here like one week out of the year and I don't need to spend hundreds of dollars so I can buy a window air conditions to cool one room of my apartment for a grand total of 8 days a year. It's sort of like me buying a box of condoms. Good to have around, but let's be real, will it (they) ever be needed?

Or like the day when my laptop computer died and I was going through withdrawal without being able to check for new podcasts every 5 minutes on iTunes or check my e-mail while brushing my teeth.

And perhaps the dead laptop, as much as anything, has kept me away. My old computer is slow, and cranky. Sort of like me. And we get in arguments frequently because we are both stubborn and like to do things at our own pace, which is similar, in that that pace can generally be described as "when I fucking get around to it." Of course I want to be the one who says "when I get around to it" and when I want the computer to do something, I want it right fucking now. For all the fucking being fucking bellowed around here, neither of us are is popping off any orgasms, but we are both pretty well screwed. So, when we fight, I send it (leave it) to its office, and I go off into my room and we both sulk. Me, because my iTunes and treasured photos of family and friends are now gone, and the computer because it is a pain in the ass with a bad attitude.

So I haven't posted.

Does that bother you? Does that make you unhappy? If you want more posts, why don't you pay me more!?!? Oh, that's right, you don't pay me anything! So lick my Fishwrapper and leave me alone! You'll get new posts when I'm damn good and ready!

OK, maybe the lack of air conditioning is making me a bit cranky. Crankier than normal.

Oh, shut up! No one asked you to comment!

Fucking mouthy computer.

Rise of the machines

The machines in my life are turning against me.

There's something wrong with the TV in the bedroom. Every time I turn it on now it turns itself off after about 5 or 10 seconds.

My laptop is showing solidarity with the TV. It sprung a hinge a while back. Now it won't boot up.

My desktop is on its last legs and I expect it to give up the ghost any day now, especially if it learns of the other devices currently on strike in my home.

I'm expecting the cell phone to join the picket line soon.

It's a conspiracy to cut me off from the outside world. I just know it.

Up and limping

I finally got the computer to boot up. It meant reinstalling the system software. Fortunately, I didn't have to reformat the entire drive, so I don't appear to have lost any music or photo files (although the need or an external hard drive and DVD backups is apparent).

I have to reinstall a bunch of software, including iTunes, which is a hassle. I moved the iTunes stuff from my desktop to the laptop once, then my iTunes library got corrupted once, so I had to re-import all the music files into iTunes. Now, I guess I get to do that again.

But, at least it doesn't mean having to re-import all my CDs and the loss of all the music I purchased from iTunes.

So, I'll have lots of setup to do again on the computer, but for the moment I have saved the cost of a repair bill.

Yippee.

I think.

Look Ma, no wires

I bought a couple of new toys yesterday. So this is my first official "wireless" post.

When I got Internet service working here at my new apartment, I had a messed up system in place. Because of limited locations for the phone jacks, and my phone company is my DSL provider, I had a cable stretching from my modem on one side of the kitchen to my computer on the other opposing wall. So I ended up having a cable hanging across the front of my kitchen about a foot off the ground, which meant I had to step over the cord every time I went into the kitchen.

It was not a good setup, and I came close to either breaking my neck or ripping the cord out of the wall several times tripping over the damn thing.

So yesterday, I picked up a wireless network adapter to connect to my modem, and now have a wireless connection. So, now, once I get my new computer desk, I'll be able to move the computer back to the spare room, which I intended to make into my office in the first place and get it off my kitchen table.

I also picked up a jump drive to make it easier to transport material back and forth from my home PC and my office Mac.

And best of all, I got out of Best Buy without spending an arm and a leg. But I was tempted. There were some cool new laptops. But, I wanted to make sure I could get the wireless thing working before I spend 2 months rent on a new toy, which I really don't need.

Well, I better go to work, since I haven't upgraded technology enough to telecommute. Which is probably good, otherwise I'd probably never get dressed.

Technology
Toys