I'll show you mine if you show me yours

I'm nothing if not a follower. I've followed the crowd onto the poker craze bandwagon. I haven't become a fanatic about it, but I do occasionally enjoy watching television coverage of professional poker tournaments and play poker now and again online. I even checked out one of the local poker leagues in town once, but haven't made it back to play anymore live games. I like to play the game but am not willing, or able, to put real money where my cards are. At least not yet.

I am among the most amateur of amateurs. But I have won a couple of qualifying tournaments on Bravo TVs Celebrity Poker site. But when you when a qualifying tournament, like I did recently, you are prohibited from playing in their tournament again until the championship tournament, which is in January or something.

So, I signed up with a free online poker website, PokerStars.com, to play there. I signed up earlier today to play in a qualifying tournament for a tournament in the Bahamas. I didn't really expect much out of it, but a way to spend some time and perhaps learn a little more about the game from competing against other people -- across the web if not across the table.

The top 200 finishers qualify for the next round, but the tournament allowed 10,000 to register. So I didn't have any delusions of qualifying, but I hoped to finish "in the money," which required a finish of 1,250th or higher.

After a few hours of playing, I found myself still "sitting" at a virtual table with a stack of digital chips. And I made it into the money. Then I revised my goals to finish higher in the money. And then, eventually the top 200 was within reach. Then, there I was. In the top 200. And still playing.

I eventually made it to the final table of 10. Then the top 5.

I did not, however, win the tournament. But I did finish second. Second out of 10,000. Pretty fucking cool, if I say so myself!

So who else do you tell about an amazing finish in a virtual tournament, but your virtual friends on a blog.

In honor of the finish, here are 10 songs about (sort of about) poker/gambling/cards from my iPod.

Ride Gambler Ride -- Randy Newman
Viva Las Vegas -- ZZ Top
Ace in the Hole -- George Strait
From a Jack to a King -- Ricky Van Shelton
Aces -- Suzy Bogguss
Luck of the Draw -- Bonnie Raitt
Ace Up Your Pretty Sleeve -- Vince Gill
Desperado -- The Eagles
Good Run of Bad Luck -- Clint Black
Viva Las Vegas -- Elvis Presley

Burning moonlight

The insomnia is back.

For several nights now I've found myself still awake well after 3 or 4 in the morning. It's been damn hard to fall asleep and even more difficult to get up when the alarm goes off in the morning.

I got comfortable on the couch this evening after work, the exhaustion taking over. Sleep came easy enough then, but it didn't last long. I got maybe a half our of rest before I was wide awake again, my mind racing like a car sitting in neutral with the engine running and the gas pedal pressed to the floor. We ain't goin' anywhere, but we are getting there in one hell of a hurry.

The insomnia is like a barometer, but instead of signalling a change in weather the sleeplessness signals the need for some sort of life change.

A few months back there were a couple of options in the works that looked like they might prompt some major life changes. But those options have new fallen through. The desire for a life changes is no less strong now, but the options to make that happen are far less clear.

How do I get our of this rut? How do a move forward? To what purpose will this next phase of my life be dedicated?

The answers are still elusive. As is sleep.

I'm going to try to see if I can get a few more hours of sleep tonight and go to bed "early." It's only a little after 1 a.m. It would be my earliest bedtime of the week if successful.

Sold my soul for a sawbuck

My morals are slipping.

Money has been tight lately. Very tight. Extremely tight. So tight that this week I found myself with my bank balances at zero. I've been raiding the coin jar to pay for food all week. Fortunately there was a stockpile of quarters in the jar from the days I was collecting them to use the coin-operated machine in the laundry room. The next option was to collect cans for the recycling deposit. One day this weekend my entire diet, lunch and dinner consisted of tortilla chips and salsa. Another day I ate one meal. I've skipped several meals in recent days because I have no food in the house and no funds to acquire any.

Yep, I'm broke.

I finally got some folding money back in my pocket last night after meeting a friend for dinner. We were each paying for our own meals. I paid with plastic and he used cash, so I picked up the tab and pocketed the cash.

I stopped off for dinner at a local fast-food place on my way home from work and handed the $10 I had left to the cashier. Obviously her head wasn't in the game because she handed me $15 back in change.

I thought for a spit second about whether to do the right thing and telling her that I had paid with a 10 and not a 20.

Then I remembered the zero balances on my bank statements and the fact that I still have a few meals to buy before I get paid and did the selfish thing. I pocked the money and drove off.

I know I should feel guilty. But Lord help me, I can't. The lack of cash -- and meals -- is affecting my judgment. My waistline can certainly afford for me to skip an occasional meal, but this has been ridiculous. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to eat and survive until payday.

***

On the theme of money, here are 10 songs about money from my iPod.

M-O-N-E-Y -- Lyle Lovett
What Do You Do For Money Honey -- AC/DC
Workin' Man's Dollar -- Chris LeDoux
Money for Nothing -- Dire Straits
Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is -- JET
You Think I Ain't Worth a Dollar But I Feel Like a Millionaire -- Queens of the Stone Age
I Need Some Money -- John Lee Hooker
Life Is a Lemon and I Want My Money Back -- Meat Loaf
Can't Buy You Money -- Toby Keith
Last Dollar (Fly Away) -- Tim McGraw

Bonus track
Your Cash Ain't Nothin' But Trash -- Huey Lewis & The News