Cravings

I've had this craving for a while and I can't shake it. That's probably because I don't know what I'm craving.

I'm hungry, even when I'm full. I'm thirsty, even after drinking lots of water. It's as if my body -- my brain -- is missing something it absolutely must have. I just don't know what it is.

It's driving me crazy. It's making me restless.

I don't know how to handle this restlessness in my budget conscious state. Back in the debt-building time, it was this sort of restless rumbling that used to send me off on some sort of impulsive buying binge or would prompt me to hop in the car and head out on some road trip.

Now, I don't know what to do. I look in the fridge. I open the cabinets. I stare longingly at the computer screen waiting for inspiration on what I should be doing.

The insomnia is coming back. I need a change. I need a focus. I need a destination. What, the hell am I looking for?

But there are no answers.

I want something. Something else. I just don't know what it is or where to look for it.

Burning moonlight

The insomnia is back.

For several nights now I've found myself still awake well after 3 or 4 in the morning. It's been damn hard to fall asleep and even more difficult to get up when the alarm goes off in the morning.

I got comfortable on the couch this evening after work, the exhaustion taking over. Sleep came easy enough then, but it didn't last long. I got maybe a half our of rest before I was wide awake again, my mind racing like a car sitting in neutral with the engine running and the gas pedal pressed to the floor. We ain't goin' anywhere, but we are getting there in one hell of a hurry.

The insomnia is like a barometer, but instead of signalling a change in weather the sleeplessness signals the need for some sort of life change.

A few months back there were a couple of options in the works that looked like they might prompt some major life changes. But those options have new fallen through. The desire for a life changes is no less strong now, but the options to make that happen are far less clear.

How do I get our of this rut? How do a move forward? To what purpose will this next phase of my life be dedicated?

The answers are still elusive. As is sleep.

I'm going to try to see if I can get a few more hours of sleep tonight and go to bed "early." It's only a little after 1 a.m. It would be my earliest bedtime of the week if successful.

Warp engines are down and drifting on impulse

So, I know Einstein had a theory about how time moves slower or something if you are hauling ass at the speed of light. I can't say I really understand it. But I do know that time does some pretty freaky shit even when you are sitting on your ass on the couch.

When I was in college, young and impatient, a few weeks or months without any dating life seemed like an eternity. There were different classes every day, there was tons of stuff going on, it was hard to keep track of where I needed to be when, yet it seemed like school would never end and my real life would never get started.

Now that real life is sometimes all too real, time whizzes by in a numbing blur of sameness. Years pass far too quickly. In fact it's been more than 3 years since there has been a relationship involving any physical intimacy. Often if feels like the drought will never end.

Maybe I just have too much time to think about time. I just marked another birthday. My 42nd. For many people, the prospect of turning 40 is daunting. I didn't experience much mental trauma from reaching the Big Four-O. But 42, that's been a bit rougher to deal with. The reason is that my life just doesn't seem to have progressed in the last two-plus years. It's not just the relationship situation. It's finances. It's work. It's personal relationships with friends. It's everything.

It's nothing.

It's 42.

When I was younger I was impatient, impertinent and anxious. I had to learn to be patient. I had to learn to bite my tongue. Maybe I learned those things too well. I've been waiting for something. Waiting too long. spending too much time with my ass on a couch looking at TV and computer screens, monitoring others' lives instead of living my own. It's time to get something moving again.

It's time to shove this couch, this life, this ass, into warp speed. Time's a waisting. I need to speed up the motion and slow down the clock.

***
10 songs with time in the title from my iPod

The Longest Time -- Billy Joel
Wiser Time -- The Black Crowes
Dirty Life & Times -- Warren Zevon
Angry All the Time -- Tim McGraw
Roll Me Back In Time -- Sara Evans
Hard Times (No One Knows Better Than I) -- Ray Charles
Time Flies -- Puddle of Mudd
Time Stood Still -- Madonna
Good Times, Bad Times -- Led Zeppelin
Times Like These -- Foo Fighters
(Bonus track)
Wasted Time -- The Eagles

Is there a time limit for napping?

I'm so bored. I've been trying very hard to watch my spending because money has been very tight lately. But I am struggling today to figure out something to do that would be fun and not involve spending money.

I may have to give in and at least spend some of my gas and go for a Sunday drive tomorrow or something. I'm going stir crazy hanging out in and around this apartment. You know it's bad when napping becomes a favorite time to whittle away the hours.

Yesterday, after I got home from work I was so exhausted. It had been a long week I guess, because by about 7 o'clock I just couldn't fight the call for a little shut eye any longer. My normal favorite napping spot is the couch in front of the TV, but for some reason, I flopped down in bed for my little snooze.

And snooze I did. When I woke up it was pitch black outside and inside the house. It was very disorienting. In my groggy fog, I remembered that I had laid down for a nap, but this was obviously not a 15 minute cat nap.

Once my head and eyes cleared enough to find the light and check my watch I realized it was 11 p.m. I had woke up just in time to go back to bed! Some nights I only get four hours of sleep so I'm not sure that even qualified as a nap anymore.

Of course I didn't go right back to bed, but even after a 4-hour nap yesterday and sleeping in late today so I could still get 8 hours of sleep last night, I still ended up taking a nap this afternoon. And the sad thing is, I could probably take another one.

Maybe it's the warm weather and no air conditioning that's sapping my energy and just making want to sleep.

So I'm bored and in need of a nap. No wonder I don't scare many social invitations. No one could confuse me with being the life of the party.

Dietary Catch-22

I took the unusual step of buying groceries the other day, which is something I'm not prone to doing. To say that my refrigerator and cupboards are usually bare would be an understatement. But I thought that maybe I would stock up on some food in an effort to save a little money and perhaps eat a little healthier.

But having food in the house reminds me that I have the unfortunate tendency to eat when I'm bored. I tried getting healthier types of foods and one of my frequent snacks the last few days has been oranges. However, I am afraid that I may end up eating too much just because there is stuff here to eat. Ordinarily, on a weekend, it may not be altogether unusual that I only eat one meal a day if I have to leave the house to forage for grub. Dealing with traffic near my house on weekends can be a nightmare, so I tend not to relish going out into that mess.

But what I really need to do is find new stuff to do. Different things. Develop some hobbies or interests that get me out of the house. Fortunately I spent part of the weekend out of town and it's beginning to look like I will have obligations out of town for the next three weekends, so maybe that will help keep me occupied and from enduring insufferable boredom.

It's sort of ironic. When I was younger I used to get myself involved in all sorts of stuff. I had to carry a calendar book to keep things straight and make sure I didn't have conflicts or had enough time to get from commitment to commitment in time. It would get to the point where I was overbooked and would get overwhelmed with events and activities. Somewhere along the way I learned to say no and avoid overbooking almost to the point of not committing to do anything or go anywhere at all. I took relaxation and doing nothing to the level of art form.

But I think the time has come to get back out there. Say yes now an again to invitations, get out and enjoy some of the local events, spend time with family and try to make some new friends. It's either that or sit at home, wasting time and eating my way through the week's groceries in a couple of days.

Not-so-good-Friday

I've been home from work for less than an hour and I'm already going stir crazy. I week ago I was running all over the place, seeing people, spending time with friends. There wasn't enough time for anything.

Today, I have more time than I know what to do with and I have nothing to do and nowhere to go.

It has been difficult to make friends here, a realization that has been heightened by spending several days with friends recently in another city. It was like I was a completely different person. I was outgoing, outspoken, vivacious and maybe even a little flirtatious. It wasn't just like going to a new place. It like was inhabiting a different person. I liked the person I was there and then. I'm not such a big fan of this person I've somehow become. It's as if somehow returning to my former home state was like returning to that shy, quiet, insecure person I was as a teen. It's not that I didn't have some timid times or bad days when I lived in California. But somehow swimming in a bigger pond made me a bigger fish too.

I'm looking forward to spending time with family this weekend. While it's possible to feel isolated and lonely in a crowd, sometimes it's being alone that forces you to realize how lonely alone really can be.

Bored stiff

I'm profoundly bored.

I don't remember being this bored since I was a kid. The most enduring emotion I remember from childhood, particularly during the elementary school years, was boredom.

When I was in second grade we moved from living in town in Nebraska, with lots of neighbors and at least two playmates nearby to living out in the middle of nowhere in Oregon. I was so jealous of the kids who lived in town. They could see each other on weekends, walk to the school playground, walk to the store. That was freedom baby. Our closest neighbor was about a half mile away, and the closest one with kids my age was 2 miles away.

Until I got old enough to ride my bike, and later a motorcycle, to a neighbor's house I was trapped. There was NOTHING TO DO, or so it seemed to an 8 year old.

Well, that's how bored I've been feeling this weekend. It's not that I don't have stuff I could do, or even should do, there's just nothing I want to do. I don't know what I want to do and it's driving me crazy.

Some years back I used to have a problem of overobligating myself to events and activities. It started in high school and continued in college. I got involved in extracurricular activities, clubs, etc. I lived by my date book. It would get to the point where I would feel overwhelmed. Part of the problem was that I couldn't say no when people asked me if I wanted to do something or get involved in something.

Once I got into my career, I poured all that time and energy into my work. I eventually learned that putting that much time and energy into work meant if work went bad life pretty much sucked. I had to learn to say no and I had to learn to relax.

I may have learned that lesson too well. I eventually got to the point where I did nothing on weekend. I was a slug. A couch potato. A mushroom. But I rarely felt bored like this. I think it is because I was living in the desert and surrounded by the desert sun which nourished the body.

I turned down a couple of social invitations this weekend and now I'm regretting it. But the truth is, I haven't really felt like getting out and being with people.

Maybe it's the lack of sunshine and a case of seasonal affective disorder. I'm bored and tired and utterly lacking motivation.

OK, I'm going to try to shake off this lethargy and get something accomplished with the rest of my day. At least get some laundry done. And maybe take a nap.

Boredom
Seasonal Affective Disorder