We'll blog no lines before it's time

Sorry I haven't been posting lately. I've just had some stuff going on that I haven't quite got settled enough in my own head to post about just yet, and I've been a little busy too. So I hope to be back soon, but I'm just not quite there yet.

Sorry folks.

Post for the broken hearted

I may turn this blog into an advice-to-the-broken-hearted blog. A lot of the readers who are coming here lately (and that's not a lot) seem to be coming based on a search of "how long does it take to get over someone?," or something to that effect, leading to an old post.

I wonder if I have any helpful advice to offer? I wonder if I could make any money at it?

If you are coming here to find out how long it takes to get over someone, or how long it takes for a broken heart to mend, there is no simple answer to that question. From experience, if your heart is truly broken, it will take a while. And sometimes, when you think you are past it, or the worse of it at least, something or someone will remind you of your pain and loss. The good news is the scar tissue builds up and eventually the pain is less severe with each passing hour, or day, or week, or month ... or year. It's not a linear progression, but a progression none the less, in spite of the regression and backsliding that inevitably occurs.

For me, as I remember it, the first few months were exquisite torture. When my ex moved out of town a couple months after our breakup, that helped, especially since we worked together. Seeing her every day for a few months kept the wounds too fresh and open. After she left, I could go for short periods of time without thoughts or memories of her and us crossing my mind.
The first six months were rough. The first year in fact. In the second year I changed jobs, moved to a new state and started some whole new routines, which helped me move on even further emotionally.

By the time I felt ready to date, there were no immediate prospects. Perhaps meeting someone new and spending time with someone new would have helped things progress faster. It had in the past, even if those rebound relationships didn't amount to much. That does not mean I would suggest anyone date just to date for the sole purpose of trying to mend a broken heart. And fortunately I have had someone to talk who I hope will be part of my life for a long time to come, but so far we have been kept by miles, bad luck and bad timing. The end of that particular story is not yet written.

We all move on in our own time and in our own way. If you are nursing a broken heart, I empathize with you, my friend. It does get better, even if it doesn't feel like it ever will sometimes. The time it will take will depend on how deeply you were in love, how long you were together, the depth and number of memories you creating with your ex and how often you have to confront the memories after the break up. A few significant "anniversaries" of dates important to the relationship may have to pass before those dates quit haunting you.

I just realized, just now as I wrote that, that one of those significant dates came and went a few weeks ago with no notice by me. I had no conscious thought of a certain date in mid-March. That date was supposed to my wedding anniversary. I forgot all about it.

Hmm. Imagine that.

I am very thankful for the friends who helped me re-establish a life as an individual again, talking to me about my feelings when I needed to vent and talking about anything and everything else when I needed to forget about my pain for a while.

Now that pain is distant, like a mirage on the horizon. It's like my mind is playing tricks on me. Was I really once engaged? Was there once a person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with? Perhaps, but whereas that once defined me and comprised most every waking thought, now that is just a fact of life. A small fact getting smaller, like the name of a third grade teacher, or knowledge gleaned for a college course. It's there, tucked away in a corner. Part of who I was. Part of what has made me who I am. But only a part, seemingly less significant with each turn of the calendar page.

Yes, if you bother to read any of the recent post here, you will not that I am not always a happy guy. I have good days and bad days. But even the bad days now are about me and the life I have now, my current struggles and foibles and failures. But they aren't about a life I may have once felt I lost, or was taken from me or someone who broke my heart.

No, on second thought, I have no desire to turn this blog lamenting a lost love. I empathize with the heartbroken who may come seeking help and hope, but I have no desire to try to remember how bad it felt when I felt bad about a lost love. This blog may not yet have evolved into what it will be someday. But one thing is clear, it is not the blog it once was. The posts with broken-heart themes are still there, but they aren't all that's there. It, and I, are just struggling to find our way and dreaming of what we may be, if and when we ever grow up.

There's a song, The Lonely by Toby Keith, on his Blue Moon album. It's one of those sad, broken-hearted country songs featuring a play on words. The lonely refers to the broken hearted people who congregate at a bar to drown their sorrows and The Lonely is also the name of the band that plays there. There's a line in the song that says: "If you are here to see 'The Lonely,', it's standing room only, for 'The Lonely'."

Well, if you are here to see "The Lonely" folks, that band has moved on down the road and is touring elsewhere. Sure, the band stops in and plays a set now and again. But "The Lonely" is no longer the house band.

Resurrection

At the risk of sounding completely manic, the weekend ended on a good note. I enjoyed spending time with my daughter and family, sharing good food and good company.

Good days can override a lot of not so good days. I have to remind myself that those days, though less frequent than I may like, are the days I am here for. Spending part of my daughter's birthday with her last week, spending holidays with her. Those are the days I came here for.

Not-so-good-Friday

I've been home from work for less than an hour and I'm already going stir crazy. I week ago I was running all over the place, seeing people, spending time with friends. There wasn't enough time for anything.

Today, I have more time than I know what to do with and I have nothing to do and nowhere to go.

It has been difficult to make friends here, a realization that has been heightened by spending several days with friends recently in another city. It was like I was a completely different person. I was outgoing, outspoken, vivacious and maybe even a little flirtatious. It wasn't just like going to a new place. It like was inhabiting a different person. I liked the person I was there and then. I'm not such a big fan of this person I've somehow become. It's as if somehow returning to my former home state was like returning to that shy, quiet, insecure person I was as a teen. It's not that I didn't have some timid times or bad days when I lived in California. But somehow swimming in a bigger pond made me a bigger fish too.

I'm looking forward to spending time with family this weekend. While it's possible to feel isolated and lonely in a crowd, sometimes it's being alone that forces you to realize how lonely alone really can be.

Something's missing

I've been reminiscing a lot lately. Obviously it was the trip to the old desert stomping grounds. That place, those people, have a profound effect on me.

I spent my 30s in the deserts of Southern California. In many ways, I came of age there. I learned and grew a lot professionally, achieve some successes and endured some setbacks. It was a bit of a mixed bag socially. I made some great friends, and strengthened some key friendships, but the dating life was disappointing, except for a couple of adventures and one romance spectacular in its emotional highs and lows.

I am not deluding myself. It was not all sunshine and roses. But there was a lot of sunshine and I love the sunshine.

Fortunately the sun was shining today and spring is in the air, at least for a few days. But I miss the friendships built over the California decade. I miss working in a big office filled with people and energy, excitement, enthusiasm and ideas. I miss nights spent dining out or talking under the stars.

I miss the me I was there. I miss the me I could see myself becoming.

Fortunately, I'll be spending Easter with my daughter and her family. I'll take unconditional love and acceptance where I can get it.

OK, maybe I made a play to buy a little of that love with my daughter's birthday present, an inscribed silver bracelet that came in a distinctive blue box. Better to be bankrupt than disappoint my one and only child on her Sweet 16!

Craving a U-turn

I'm back from the desert, just in time for freezing overnight temperatures. Lord have mercy.

Is it too late to turn around and go back?