Vision quest

It was not that long ago that I used to make a point of buying a lottery ticket every time one of the jackpots got big.

Sure, I knew I wouldn't win, but I could still dream, right? I justified the expense, even on weeks and months where I was stressed about finding a way to eat until the next pay day, by saying it I got days worth of daydreaming about what I would do if I won. It cost less than a movie ticket. Thus, the money seemed worth it.

Sometimes the dreams were grand, like buying homes for myself and family members, paying for my daughter's dream college education, setting my parents up for the retirement they deserve, and taking care of family members the best way I could. And of course I dreamed about toys. Lots and lots of toys. Cars, computers, TVs, electronics, cameras and vacations.

But on some of those tough months, it was hard to dream that big when I was consumed merely with trying to figure out how I could get the clothes I needed for work. Sometimes it was enough just to dream of winning one of the smaller drawings and getting some relief from the oppressive, paralyzing fear brought on by debt.

But tonight I had a new realization. I am no longer dreaming of some magic, quick fix to my problem. I was no longer fantasizing about what it would be like IF I somehow had money. I was merely daydreaming about what I look forward to doing WHEN I no longer have to pay so much of my salary for debt. It is amazing to think about and realize what I could do with the money I already make available to use for what I need and want, instead of paying of stuff bought years ago on credit out of convenience, or trying to buy the affection of family members who I rarely got to see, or due to lack of planning for large purchases.

The ability to do that is still a fair distance off. But I am growing more confident that I will one day get there. I am beginning to see it in my mind. It's not a daydream, but the visualization of what can, and will, one day be.

Epilogue

The check was in the mail.

On my trip to the mailbox, I found it empty and my heart sank a little. I was so counting on that check to arrive today. So I went back into the house and busied myself with a whole lotta nothin' and tried to put it out of my mind. Yes, I need the money, and rent's due in a few days, but I'm no more cash poor this month than I have been the last several. I'll survive. It's not like I'm starving.

But I was hungry. So I stepped out to head to bank to withdraw some more money from the ATM, all the while wondering which bill I would pay late so I could afford a cheeseburger. On a whim, I decided to go by the mailbox one more time. It was empty before. Maybe I just checked the box too early and the mail hadn't arrived yet. After all, how many days are there when I don't receive at least one bill or piece of junk mail?

And there it was. Envelope with a familiar zipcode. I rushed back into the house to open it. And sure enough, the check was there. And not for the discounted price I thought I might be getting for the ring, but the full asking price (minus the store's 10 percent commission).

So I am in the mood to celebrate. After a trip to two banks -- the first one was out of deposit envelopes -- and a stop at a burger joint, I headed out to begin my celebration at the most obvious place I could think of: Borders bookstore.

Last night I finished reading a Stephen King book that I bought a couple of months ago when heading out on a business trip. It was book six of his Dark Tower saga. I remember vividly reading the first three books of the series. But I don't know if I read the fourth or fifth installments or not. I'd have to check my bookshelf. But reading the sixth one reinvigorated my interest in the characters, and the quest, we all embarked on so long ago. As I finished the 6th book, it was apparent that the next installment would be the last, and perhaps Kings' last work altogether. Heck, if King can even consider giving up his writing muse (he writes in "Song of Susannah: The Dark Tower VI" that he might retire at the end of The Dark Tower series) then I can certainly give up a simple blog.

Anyway, after a little research I found out the the seventh and final installment is already out and soon to be out in paperback, so I headed to Borders to see if I could find it. I did, eventually, after traipsing all over the store. My mission when I walked in was to find one specific book. I walked out with four. I think I just reminded myself why I don't go into bookstores very often. It's like crack cocaine or something.

So, soon I will crack open a new book and start a new chapter. But this my friends, as advertised, is the end of this chapter and this tale. I have to tell you I have greatly missed coming here already. And I feel the pull to post quite strongly, or at the very least to write -- something -- but it's finally shape has not yet come to me. And it just doesn't feel like this would be the right place to launch that new story. This was a place of healing for me, and I am eternally grateful for having found this place and the caretakers and visitors who came by to aid in my healing. But a sick person doesn't stay in the hospital after they are well just because that's where they got better. Well, I can't stay here either.

When I bought that ring it was the symbol of love and a promise of forever. Then that love was betrayed and the ring was returned to me. At that point all I had was the raw emotion of pain and the symbol for a love that I was then still feeling at its height. The pain eventually faded. As did the feelings of love. But for a long time the ring remained, it's empty center a bitter reminder of something lost or missing. Well, the one that ring once wound around is no longer something missing in my life. A part of my past and part of what has made me who I am to be sure, but no longer a source of longing. I feel whole and happy and reinvigorated. I am living life and ready for the opportunity to love again. And I may have already found that too.

So good riddance to the ring and a sad but fond farewell to by friends at the Fishwrap. May you all find the love and adventures you seek. I'm off to celebrate. Perhaps with a nice premium tequila and a fine cigar. Or maybe a nice red wine and curling up with a new book. Or maybe just a nice walk on a cool summer night. Maybe I should check my Powerball numbers too.

You never know, today could end up being the best day of my life so far!

The world is full of prospects and possibilities. I'm off to explore some of them.

Technorati tags: Blogging
Retired blogs
Powerball lottery
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Books

Still poor

No, the reason you haven't heard from me in the last few days is not that I won the record Powerball lottery jackpot over the weekend. I'm still here. Still poor. Just too lazy to post, um, I mean busy -- too busy to post.

Yea, that's it.

That and looking through family records to see if I have any family living in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Hey, it's possible. Not that distant relatives would include me in their winnings, but it's still possible.

Have I mentioned how important family is to me, particularly distant family?

Go Huskers!

What the hell else is there in Nebraska that I can say positive things about? Not damn much. Well, there is the Oregon Trail running through there, but I doubt the Powerball Trail is going to lead to this Oregonian's door.

Selfish fucking Nebraskans anyway.

Powerball lottery
Family

TGIF

I'm so ready for the weekend. And Saturday's Powerball drawing of $250 million.

It would be great to wake up Sunday and start planning in earnest on how I will be spending my immediate retirement.

TGIF
Powerball lottery

When wildflowers lose their bloom

Somehow I missed the news. My friend Brat had to tell me. And apparently it's official. The engagement between Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong has ended.

Even though I confessed a major crush on Sheryl Crow a few months ago before her Portland concert and perhaps may have made a disparaging comment or two directed at Lance Armstrong, I can't exactly rejoice at this news.

For one thing, there is hardly a snowball's chance I'll ever meet Sheryl Crow, let alone realize the celebrity fantasy.

And for another thing, I can empathize with the situation Sheryl and Lance are going through. I don't know who is the wronged party here, or the more wronged party, but loving someone and not seeing that pledge of commitment fulfilled is painful. It fucking sucks.

And it can take a while to get over. I long while sometimes. So, I don't relish their separation. And I wasn't trying to curse their engagement in a previous post where I threatened (in jest, well, mostly) to thump on Lance Armstrong.

However, if by some weird fluke I should happen to win the Powerball lottery (which is now up to $210 million) and in the jet-setting travels that would ensue, I should happen to meet Sheryl, and she needs a shoulder to lean on and an empathetic ear and heart to hear her tale of woe, I would graciously make myself available. Hey, sometimes you just need someone to cry with until you can laugh, and live and love, again.

I think Brat would understand. Wouldn't she? Maybe concert tickets and a backstage pass would smooth things over.

Sheryl Crow
Lance Armstrong
Powerball lottery
Fantasy

No power in the balls

I didn't wake up rich.

I haven't checked my lottery ticket yet, but I know I didn't win the big Powerball prize, because no one did. The jackpot for Saturday's drawing now grows to an estimated $180 million.

So, if you were planning to hit me up for a loan today, get over it. I may be hitting you up for one instead, so I can buy a ticket for Saturday's drawing.

And since I didn't wake up rich, I guess I better go to work. Damn, I hate it when that happens. And even worse, that damn groundhog saw its shadow, so supposedly we are in for six more weeks of winter weather. I really hate when that happens. Someone needs to take the little furry fucker out for forecasting such misery.

Powerball lottery
Groundhog Day

Trees fall and dreams rise

OK, I realize that leaves of many trees fall to the ground in autumn, but now the trees themselves are tumbling to the ground all over Salem and the Willamette Valley. Sometimes they take out power and other utility lines on the way down. But don't take my word for it, read the Statesman Journal article for yourself. Prolonged, heavy rains and brisk winds are toppling trees like they were Tinker toys.

Last night I was telling my friend Brat about two trees that had fallen over not too far from my building in my apartment complex. But as I headed out to my car this morning to head to work I was confronted by the sight of another tree that had fallen overnight, about 15-20 feet from where my car was parked. Fortunately the tree fell between two buildings, although it had to have scraped one of the buildings on its tumble to the soggy turf. However, if it had fallen the other direction it probably would have taken out several cars in the parking lot in the row behind where I park. Some of the upper branches may even have reached across the travel lane and into the row of cars where my assigned space is located.

Fortunately, the sun came out for a bit this afternoon, but not for long enough to do much to dry things out. Rivers are still running high, some streets are flooded. Even the hardcore webbed-foot valley natives are beginning to comment on how much rain we've been getting. The forecast for the next few days: Rain and wind to continue which means more trees will likely fall victim to the stormy weather. When is spring supposed to arrive?

***

How would you spend $156 million dollars? That's the amount of Wednesday's Powerball lottery drawing. The drawing has been growing rather large for several weeks, but I have kept forgetting to buy a ticket. But I remedied that today.

I plunked down $5 on a dream, a fantasy. Yea, I may never win, but $5 can buy lots of dreams on which I can travel further than I would have on the 2.5 gallons of gas I could have got with the same half a sawbuck.

***

I'm just a week and a couple of days from my final planned date to give up the nicotine completely, including the gum. I'm in the one-piece-every-4-to-8-hours phase now, but unfortunately I'm still struggling to make it past the 4-hour mark. I was hoping to be up to 8 hours by Thursday, but 6 may be more likely. Sometime the 4 hours passes relatively painlessly, although the cravings are still there. Other times, the cravings hit me like a freight train at about the 2-hour mark.

The good thing is that I've resisted the rather strong urges at times to cheat with a cigarette here and there. I have not bought a pack in more than a week. But I'm thinking now that I may have to alter my timeline slightly. I'm still chewing the stronger 4 mg gum, which I think is still putting too much nicotine into my system when I do chew it. So I may switch to the 2 mg gum when this box runs out and potentially extend my program 1 week at least, to make up for my 1 week of flagrantly violating my program. But maybe what I need is to take some time off to alter my daily routines.

One thing is certain, I need to get past the cravings soon so I can start cutting back on the munching of popcorn, chips, candy and other snacks I've been doing rather than chew extra pieces of gum or, worse, running to the store for a can of snuff or a pack of smokes. I've put on at least 5 pounds, maybe more. And I was already suffering from the middle-age spread before this ordeal began. But the extra weight is growing uncomfortable.

However, first things first. I want to beat this nicotine addiction once and for all. Then I'll work on the other aspects necessary to be an irresistible chick magnet! Oh, that reminds me of other things I can add to my list of what to do with my Powerball winnings. Hire a personal trainer and a dietician.

Weather
Rain
Winter storms
Willamette Valley
Powerball
Lottery
Quitting nicotine

Did you wake up wealthy?

An Oregonian, or at least someone who bought a Powerball lottery ticket in Oregon, won the $340 million drawing last night. Was it you? Was it me?

I like to think it was me.

It wasn't me.

When I learned last night that an Oregon ticket has won I had to check my tickets. If I won I certainly wouldn't be telling you people about it. I like you and all, but I think I would have other priorities with the second largest jackpot in U.S. lottery history coming my way.

Instead, I will be going to work today, thankful that I get paid this week.

Powerball lottery

It's here!

I was starting to get nervous.

The Sheryl Crow concert is on Monday and my ticket was still MIA. But it arrived in the mail today!

And no one has one the Powerball lottery yet. The jackpot is up to some insane amount like $290 million.

I tell you it's a sign. Big lottery jackpot and Sheryl Crow in town at the same time... it's destiny.

And a friend of mine is supposed to be in town sometimes this weekend so we might be able to get together for cervesas and a boys' night out.

It's starting to shape up to be a mighty fine weekend.

I better take a nap to rest up!

Sheryl Crow
Powerball lottery
Friends

It's nice to be reminded

Ahhhh, I'm touched. Ladies, thank you for the reminders about buying the lottery ticket yesterday. That was very sweet.

I did buy a ticket yesterday on my way to work, so we are all set for the drawing tonight. But it did amaze me that my little off-hand comment at the end of a post drew the reminders.

So 3T, Lois and Brat, thank you.

Do ya think you could remind me to get the oil changed in my truck now?

Powerball lottery
Blogging

Five bucks and a dream

OK, so I didn't win Wednesday night's Powerball lottery. I don't know this from checking my numbers, because I haven't actually done that. I just know it, because in preparing to make a post about the lottery game, I went to the Web site and saw that no one had all the number in Wednesday's drawing.

So, the bad news for you is, you are going to have to put up with me at least a few more days.

The good news is that Saturday's drawing is estimated to be worth $205 million. That will give me a little more spreadin' around money once I hit it big.

And of course, I have to hit it big. It just fits with the whole Sheryl Crow fantasy mentioned in my previous post.

I love these big lottery jackpots. California's lottery used to get up there pretty high once in a while. And when it did, I would try to remember to buy a $5 ticket. Lord knows I always get more than $5 worth of fun imagining what I would do with the money.

Of course there's the practical stuff. Hiring a financial consultant, socking money away for my daughter's education and her future financial wellbeing, tossing some funds to my parents so they can get out from under their business obligations and finally retire, grit my teeth and set up trust fund for my younger brothers and putting some money aside for myself in the event I'm an idiot and piss away all my money in a week and a half so I can ensure I don't starve.

And there is the fun stuff, like quitting the job in some sort of dramatic and flamboyant style, buying houses in Portland and Palm Springs for starters. The summer and winter homes. Buying a new car or two. Flying off to meet some certain someone in the Midwest who's been playing hard to get for the last 7 years, and taking an extremely long vacation somewhere sunny and warm with a pampering resort staff.

Eventually, I'd probably start a business, maybe something web-based, just to keep myself from being bored. And I'd be one of those bosses that isn't around when you want him, and is around all the time when you wish he wasn't. Going in late, leaving early, taking long weekends, and yelling in the middle of the office for no apparent reason, just to freak people out, then flying off to Vegas for the high-roller treatment.

Yea, I know, there's absolutely no way I will ever win a state lottery, let alone a multi-state lottery like Powerball. But I figure I get my $5 worth of fun every time I buy a ticket. And it's much less fattening than a Carl's Jr. double Western bacon cheeseburger.

Remind me to buy a ticket before Saturday.

Powerball Lottery