I had the strangest emotional reaction today. I followed a link on Twitter that led be to a website where I saw a name I recognized. The name was the husband of woman I dated in college. So I decided to read what he wrote.
It was a poem. In it, he made a reference to sex. Of course I assumed the reference was to his wife. And what I felt shocked me. I felt a pang of jealousy.
How could that be? Of course this woman was very important to me back in college. She was, I now know, my first love. She was my first really serious relationship. But that was 20 years ago.
Why would I feel jealousy now, after all these years? I haven't even scene her in probably a dozen years. It didn't make sense.
But then, feelings don't subscribe to logic.
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Price and value are not the same thing
I saw this March 3 Annie's Mailbox advice column today. I liked the advice Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar offered to "Perplexed in the Midwest," but people like "Perplexed" could use a little more information when choosing an engagement ring.
Perhaps it's not too romantic to think about the practical aspect of money when trying to buy a ring intended to tell the woman you love you want to spend the rest of your life with her. It's hard to put a price on that. But people need to know that jewelers do put a price on our sentiment and they inflate it far beyond its value.
That's where I take issue with Mitchell's and Sugar's advice to "Perplexed." They use the word "value" in their response. That's the wrong word. If you buy an engagement ring retail, whether it is diamond-jeweled or sports a simulated stone, the price you pay will only have a fractional relation to its financial value.
Depending on where you get your information, retail markup of jewelry, particularly in mall stores, is commonly 300 percent or more. I've written several posts on this blog (search engagement ring if you are curious) detailing the prolonged and financially frustrating process I went through to try to sell a ring a few years ago after a failed engagement. I'm not sure if I confessed that I got about one-fifth of the original price of the ring after it was sold on consignment.
So, if you are thinking of buying an engagement ring, don't be afraid to compare prices. You might also want to consider shopping at a store that specializes in estate or consignment jewelry.
Precious metals and jewels are expensive enough (have you seen the price of gold lately?). Do you really need to pay three, five, 10 times beyond what jewelry is really worth?
You can't put a price on love and no one who buys an engagement ring ever expects to have to recoup their costs. That's not what buying an engagement ring is about. But you don't have to pay hugely inflated markup for what will be an expensive purchase, no matter what. Making a smart purchasing choice will get you a far better value and leave more money in your pocket to start your life together on the best financial footing. It's hard to have happily ever after when you start off by pissing away, let's say, $5,000-plus for something that is really only worth about $1,000.
Mitchell and Sugar are right. A man shouldn't lie to his prospective bride about the type of stone in a ring. But prospective grooms shouldn't buy the lie that that ring in the shiny display case is really worth its obscenely bloated price tag. If she's worth spending 4 or 5 or 6 digits on, then shop around and get her 2 or 3 or 5 times the ring for the same price. You may find that cubic zirconium can transform into a diamond right in front of your wallet.
Perhaps it's not too romantic to think about the practical aspect of money when trying to buy a ring intended to tell the woman you love you want to spend the rest of your life with her. It's hard to put a price on that. But people need to know that jewelers do put a price on our sentiment and they inflate it far beyond its value.
That's where I take issue with Mitchell's and Sugar's advice to "Perplexed." They use the word "value" in their response. That's the wrong word. If you buy an engagement ring retail, whether it is diamond-jeweled or sports a simulated stone, the price you pay will only have a fractional relation to its financial value.
Depending on where you get your information, retail markup of jewelry, particularly in mall stores, is commonly 300 percent or more. I've written several posts on this blog (search engagement ring if you are curious) detailing the prolonged and financially frustrating process I went through to try to sell a ring a few years ago after a failed engagement. I'm not sure if I confessed that I got about one-fifth of the original price of the ring after it was sold on consignment.
So, if you are thinking of buying an engagement ring, don't be afraid to compare prices. You might also want to consider shopping at a store that specializes in estate or consignment jewelry.
Precious metals and jewels are expensive enough (have you seen the price of gold lately?). Do you really need to pay three, five, 10 times beyond what jewelry is really worth?
You can't put a price on love and no one who buys an engagement ring ever expects to have to recoup their costs. That's not what buying an engagement ring is about. But you don't have to pay hugely inflated markup for what will be an expensive purchase, no matter what. Making a smart purchasing choice will get you a far better value and leave more money in your pocket to start your life together on the best financial footing. It's hard to have happily ever after when you start off by pissing away, let's say, $5,000-plus for something that is really only worth about $1,000.
Mitchell and Sugar are right. A man shouldn't lie to his prospective bride about the type of stone in a ring. But prospective grooms shouldn't buy the lie that that ring in the shiny display case is really worth its obscenely bloated price tag. If she's worth spending 4 or 5 or 6 digits on, then shop around and get her 2 or 3 or 5 times the ring for the same price. You may find that cubic zirconium can transform into a diamond right in front of your wallet.
Monday, February 25, 2008
The longest goodbye
At various times, I've written posts lamenting the fact that so many people find this blog by doing searches looking for the answer to the question of how long it takes to get over someone. Frankly, I've been annoyed that this blog's Google image is that of a breakup blog. But maybe Google knows something that even I don't.
That's because here I am writing another breakup post.
Back shortly before I started this blog I had rekindled an online friendship with a woman I had met several years earlier. That relationship had suffered through a couple of prolonged separations, during which we both explored relationships in which we didn't need computers or cell phones to maintain contact.
After my failed engagement, I got back in touch with D. I felt I owed her an apology, because at one point my ex had used my online messenger account to reach out to D. The ex was extremely jealous and distrustful of my past, so she had initiated an online chat with D in and attempt to find out if I had been in touch with D since we started dating.
About a year later, after the breakup of the engagement, I realized that I had given up my friend for the sake of my relationship, but that relationship was dead and the ex was gone and I felt like I had betrayed my friend.
We started chatting again and eventually rekindled the friendship. In fact, D was a big factor in my recovery from the breakup of the failed engagement. She allowed me to talk about all the mixed emotions I was going through and gave me the benefit of her experiences with relationships. It was quite a while before felt emotionally ready to date again, but by the time I did I had realized that my feelings for D had evolved beyond friendship. And hers had too.
Unfortunately, we were still living a long distance apart.
We have had several failed attempts to get together. We seemed to be victims of bad timing. But six months ago an attempt to get together failed when D decided not to come for a visit at the last minute. For a while, it looked liked that would be the end. But we got past that, or seemed to, and talked through what happened. We talked daily and soon fell back into familiar habits. Our friendship had certainly survived, but our more intimate, romantic relationship had suffered some damage. How much we didn't know.
Meanwhile, pages on the calendar continued to turn. I lost patience and issued what D called an ultimatum. I bristled at calling it an ultimatum, but I would have to admit, that in the final analysis, that is exactly what it was. I put a time limit on us. In early January I gave us until the end of the month to set a date to meet and I have us until the end of February to meet.
That meeting was supposed to be this past weekend. And we didn't meet.
In the end, what happened and how isn't really the issue. But I made the decision to call off the meeting, knowing full well that it would put an end to a relationship that despite some extended breaks, dates back nine years.
You can only hold on to a dream so long. You can only survive on hope for so long. Eventually you need a hand to hold. To live a life together you have to be together.
I did what needed doing and we said our goodbyes as amicably as could be hoped, but I miss my friend and lover. I wish her happiness, health and most of all, I wish her love.
That's because here I am writing another breakup post.
Back shortly before I started this blog I had rekindled an online friendship with a woman I had met several years earlier. That relationship had suffered through a couple of prolonged separations, during which we both explored relationships in which we didn't need computers or cell phones to maintain contact.
After my failed engagement, I got back in touch with D. I felt I owed her an apology, because at one point my ex had used my online messenger account to reach out to D. The ex was extremely jealous and distrustful of my past, so she had initiated an online chat with D in and attempt to find out if I had been in touch with D since we started dating.
About a year later, after the breakup of the engagement, I realized that I had given up my friend for the sake of my relationship, but that relationship was dead and the ex was gone and I felt like I had betrayed my friend.
We started chatting again and eventually rekindled the friendship. In fact, D was a big factor in my recovery from the breakup of the failed engagement. She allowed me to talk about all the mixed emotions I was going through and gave me the benefit of her experiences with relationships. It was quite a while before felt emotionally ready to date again, but by the time I did I had realized that my feelings for D had evolved beyond friendship. And hers had too.
Unfortunately, we were still living a long distance apart.
We have had several failed attempts to get together. We seemed to be victims of bad timing. But six months ago an attempt to get together failed when D decided not to come for a visit at the last minute. For a while, it looked liked that would be the end. But we got past that, or seemed to, and talked through what happened. We talked daily and soon fell back into familiar habits. Our friendship had certainly survived, but our more intimate, romantic relationship had suffered some damage. How much we didn't know.
Meanwhile, pages on the calendar continued to turn. I lost patience and issued what D called an ultimatum. I bristled at calling it an ultimatum, but I would have to admit, that in the final analysis, that is exactly what it was. I put a time limit on us. In early January I gave us until the end of the month to set a date to meet and I have us until the end of February to meet.
That meeting was supposed to be this past weekend. And we didn't meet.
In the end, what happened and how isn't really the issue. But I made the decision to call off the meeting, knowing full well that it would put an end to a relationship that despite some extended breaks, dates back nine years.
You can only hold on to a dream so long. You can only survive on hope for so long. Eventually you need a hand to hold. To live a life together you have to be together.
I did what needed doing and we said our goodbyes as amicably as could be hoped, but I miss my friend and lover. I wish her happiness, health and most of all, I wish her love.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
How dare we love the people we like?
What is it about us, as human beings, that makes us seek love? Are we hardwired for it? Is it part of the root command on system's motherboard? Or have we been conned into it by previous generations? Do our parents think to themselves, "Yea, we've had our share of pain and misery, let's make sure or kids are just as fucked up as we are, let's tell them that love is the best thing ever."? Perhaps its too convenient to blame our parents, but I'm not ruling it out. Not yet.
You would think we would learn something from all of music, poems, books, plays and movies that document the pain and the heartache of love lost, thrown away, used, abused, abandoned or misplaced.
But we just keep going back. Moths at least have the decency to die when they get too close to the flame. Not us. Unless we pull some melodramatic Romeo and Juliet shit and off ourselves, or worse, get melodramatic and psychotic and whack each other. Sometimes we go back to the same person in the same circumstances and expect a different outcome. This time it will be different. But, is it ever really different, even with a different person? We may change roles from time to time, but someone is always the ass, someone ends up as the victim, and heartache ensues.
You may be asking yourself, what the fuck is up with The G-man? Did someone shit in his Cheerios today or what? Well, no not exactly. But I did just get done watching the movie "Closer" with Julie Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Clive Owen. If you haven't seen the movie, I won't spoil the story for you. But it does not necessarily have a typical Hollywood ending. It has a real-life ending, where things are ambigious and unclear and we don't necessarily know where the characters lives go from that point, just like we've each experienced in our own lives.
I was compelled to buy the DVD of this film when I saw some promo piece about it prior to the DVD release. This is the first DVD I've bought in a long time, if ever, for which I had not seen the movie first. I like buying DVDs of films that I like, particularly movies that I find particularly moving. This movie, certainly fits in the category of moving. But I didn't know if I would like it or not before I bought it. I merely had to have it. Well, I also bought Apollo 13 too, so at least the trip to the store wouldn't be a complete bust in the event I had to chuck the "Closer" DVD into the nearest Dumpster. For the record, I won't be pitching it. And maybe I bought it in part because it was one movie of recent vintage that I had not seen with my ex. This movie watching experience would be mine and mine alone.
I don't think I could have watched this movie when it was released in theaters back in December. Although I like to think I was emotionally in pretty good shape back in December, I was probably still unduly under the influence of the breakup of my engagement just six months earlier. And maybe I'm still unduly under the influence of it, I don't know. But I do know that I was able to sit through this entire film, with all its depicted emotion of relationships growing and dying and did not shed a single tear. As unmanly as it may be to admit, last year there were a lot of tears. Little things could bring on big tears. Maybe the tears for this failed relationship are gone for good. In fact, I find myself looking forward to the next relationship.
I may already be in the next one as far as that goes.
I said I wouldn't give the story away on "Closer" and I won't but I don't think it gives too much away to say that one of the themes in the film is about relationships interrupted by other relationships. I could certainly relate to that theme, as this current relationship was interrupted, by me, twice, in order to pursue other relationships. Now, in my defense, this current relationship I speak of has never been consummated, in no small part because we live two time zones apart and have never got our shit together enough to fix that.
So, why do we put ourselves through the turmoil of love relationships? Because there is turmoil. The people best equipped to hurt us are those who profess their love for us and for whom we feel what we label as love. Oh, sure, harsh words from a stranger can cut, but it takes a lover or a family member to do permanent damage. Yet we still risk that pain. Time and time again. We see it in people of all ages, socioeconomic levels, sexual preferences. We seek this thing called love, like it is a drug that we've been hooked on and can't kick. Stopping smoking is less gutwrenching than giving up on love.
Are we all fools? Fools for love?
I think we are. It's fun to be footloose, foolish and falling in love. So fuck it. Let's all hop in. Group swim!
But the irony of it all is that we may only learn the depths of our emotion in that pain of loss, due to betrayal, breakup, separation or death. I don't believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it does tell us how much we miss our fix. We don't know we are hooked until we can't have it. So, here I just got one monkey off my back, which back in June and July felt like it had a deathgrip on my spirit. Now, there is only a slight twinge of phantom pain left on the heart. And what I learned was that I'm willing to risk that pain yet again for the boring drudgery of an average ordinary day in love and loved by someone.
Crazy shit Maynard, that's all there is to it, complete with straightjacket and staff shrink. Love is not rational. It's not logical. It is just sheer lunacy.
Where do I sign up?
Love
Movies
You would think we would learn something from all of music, poems, books, plays and movies that document the pain and the heartache of love lost, thrown away, used, abused, abandoned or misplaced.
But we just keep going back. Moths at least have the decency to die when they get too close to the flame. Not us. Unless we pull some melodramatic Romeo and Juliet shit and off ourselves, or worse, get melodramatic and psychotic and whack each other. Sometimes we go back to the same person in the same circumstances and expect a different outcome. This time it will be different. But, is it ever really different, even with a different person? We may change roles from time to time, but someone is always the ass, someone ends up as the victim, and heartache ensues.
You may be asking yourself, what the fuck is up with The G-man? Did someone shit in his Cheerios today or what? Well, no not exactly. But I did just get done watching the movie "Closer" with Julie Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Clive Owen. If you haven't seen the movie, I won't spoil the story for you. But it does not necessarily have a typical Hollywood ending. It has a real-life ending, where things are ambigious and unclear and we don't necessarily know where the characters lives go from that point, just like we've each experienced in our own lives.
I was compelled to buy the DVD of this film when I saw some promo piece about it prior to the DVD release. This is the first DVD I've bought in a long time, if ever, for which I had not seen the movie first. I like buying DVDs of films that I like, particularly movies that I find particularly moving. This movie, certainly fits in the category of moving. But I didn't know if I would like it or not before I bought it. I merely had to have it. Well, I also bought Apollo 13 too, so at least the trip to the store wouldn't be a complete bust in the event I had to chuck the "Closer" DVD into the nearest Dumpster. For the record, I won't be pitching it. And maybe I bought it in part because it was one movie of recent vintage that I had not seen with my ex. This movie watching experience would be mine and mine alone.
I don't think I could have watched this movie when it was released in theaters back in December. Although I like to think I was emotionally in pretty good shape back in December, I was probably still unduly under the influence of the breakup of my engagement just six months earlier. And maybe I'm still unduly under the influence of it, I don't know. But I do know that I was able to sit through this entire film, with all its depicted emotion of relationships growing and dying and did not shed a single tear. As unmanly as it may be to admit, last year there were a lot of tears. Little things could bring on big tears. Maybe the tears for this failed relationship are gone for good. In fact, I find myself looking forward to the next relationship.
I may already be in the next one as far as that goes.
I said I wouldn't give the story away on "Closer" and I won't but I don't think it gives too much away to say that one of the themes in the film is about relationships interrupted by other relationships. I could certainly relate to that theme, as this current relationship was interrupted, by me, twice, in order to pursue other relationships. Now, in my defense, this current relationship I speak of has never been consummated, in no small part because we live two time zones apart and have never got our shit together enough to fix that.
So, why do we put ourselves through the turmoil of love relationships? Because there is turmoil. The people best equipped to hurt us are those who profess their love for us and for whom we feel what we label as love. Oh, sure, harsh words from a stranger can cut, but it takes a lover or a family member to do permanent damage. Yet we still risk that pain. Time and time again. We see it in people of all ages, socioeconomic levels, sexual preferences. We seek this thing called love, like it is a drug that we've been hooked on and can't kick. Stopping smoking is less gutwrenching than giving up on love.
Are we all fools? Fools for love?
I think we are. It's fun to be footloose, foolish and falling in love. So fuck it. Let's all hop in. Group swim!
But the irony of it all is that we may only learn the depths of our emotion in that pain of loss, due to betrayal, breakup, separation or death. I don't believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it does tell us how much we miss our fix. We don't know we are hooked until we can't have it. So, here I just got one monkey off my back, which back in June and July felt like it had a deathgrip on my spirit. Now, there is only a slight twinge of phantom pain left on the heart. And what I learned was that I'm willing to risk that pain yet again for the boring drudgery of an average ordinary day in love and loved by someone.
Crazy shit Maynard, that's all there is to it, complete with straightjacket and staff shrink. Love is not rational. It's not logical. It is just sheer lunacy.
Where do I sign up?
Love
Movies
Friday, March 11, 2005
For love or money?
It is amazing how quickly the last few months have passed. The time has literally, and mercifully, flown by.
I say mercifully because about nine months ago, I wasn’t sure I could make it through the summer, let alone make it to 2005. My world came unraveled in June. The previous year-plus had been probably one of the happiest and most personally satisfying periods of my life. I had started dating a woman in March 2003, moved in with her in July of that year, and by December we were engaged. It had taken me until my late 30s to find a woman I wanted to ask to marry me, and was thrilled when she said yes.
The thrill ended in June of last year, when she gave back the ring. I won’t bore you with the details, but if curious, there is more about that here and here. Somehow, the heart – the one that I thought was so thoroughly shattered I would have sworn pieces had been vaporized – began to reassemble. That heart, the emotional heart, rebuilt and started beating again. The life, also shattered, knitted itself back together. I moved out long before I moved on, but somewhere along the way I moved on as well. A new apartment, a new outlook and a new beginning.
I have no regrets about the apartment I chose to move into. At the time, it was the only place I found were I could actually start to see myself living again. But the rent was more than I had been paying as the live-in guy, or even before that as the single guy. The new place was brand new, never lived in. I wasn’t following in anyone else’s footsteps here, I was blazing my own trail.
But, now I’m finding that the cost of just living, and paying for the living I’ve done previously (those damned credit cards) is more than I take home each month. So, the time has come to sell the ring.
Sometime over the last period of months, the ring has transformed from a diamond and gold symbol of love, to just a piece of unwanted and unneeded jewelry. And hopefully, into a source of some urgently needed cash. Now I just have to figure out how to go about the logistics of selling a piece of jewelry. And I think I can do that. I figured out how to buy an engagement ring with no previous experience, I supposed I can figure out how to sell one as well.
And don’t go suggesting ebay, because I have no interest in the hassle of setting up an auction and then shipping this thing off, nor the risk of not actually getting paid. I ain’t going there. But fortunately I live in a place where jewelry stores that specialize in, or sell to some extent or another, estate jewelry. Not that one ring qualifies as an estate, but these people have to buy the jewelry from someone, why not buy a diamond ring from me?
So, that’s going on the to-do list, and ASAP. I have rent to pay again in a few weeks, and a vacation coming up, for which I am as broke as I was in college. You know that broke? The one where you can’t even go to the ATM because you don’t even have $20 left in your account to be able to make a withdrawal? I’m about there.
As I was thinking about this business transaction prompted by financial need, I found myself looking starting to put this post together and looked at the calendar. And the irony was, and I’m a big fan of irony, I realized that I was supposed to be getting married this month. This weekend as a matter of fact. Saturday, March 12, 2005 was supposed to be the big day. The date was chosen because it would have almost been the 2-year anniversary of our first date, which was March 13, 2003.
That made me pause for a moment or three. Wow.
If things had gone according to the original plan I would be in another city on the other side of the country preparing to say I do right about now. A few months ago, I was really dreading March 12, 2005. But in the here-and-now, it almost snuck up on me without even noticing.
How did that happen?
I don’t know. But I’m glad it did. I’m glad I’m not in Tennessee. I’m glad March 12 is just another day.
OK, so I’m not glad that my ass is so broke, but it is definitely better to be broke than broken. That I know for sure.
Life
Love
Money
I say mercifully because about nine months ago, I wasn’t sure I could make it through the summer, let alone make it to 2005. My world came unraveled in June. The previous year-plus had been probably one of the happiest and most personally satisfying periods of my life. I had started dating a woman in March 2003, moved in with her in July of that year, and by December we were engaged. It had taken me until my late 30s to find a woman I wanted to ask to marry me, and was thrilled when she said yes.
The thrill ended in June of last year, when she gave back the ring. I won’t bore you with the details, but if curious, there is more about that here and here. Somehow, the heart – the one that I thought was so thoroughly shattered I would have sworn pieces had been vaporized – began to reassemble. That heart, the emotional heart, rebuilt and started beating again. The life, also shattered, knitted itself back together. I moved out long before I moved on, but somewhere along the way I moved on as well. A new apartment, a new outlook and a new beginning.
I have no regrets about the apartment I chose to move into. At the time, it was the only place I found were I could actually start to see myself living again. But the rent was more than I had been paying as the live-in guy, or even before that as the single guy. The new place was brand new, never lived in. I wasn’t following in anyone else’s footsteps here, I was blazing my own trail.
But, now I’m finding that the cost of just living, and paying for the living I’ve done previously (those damned credit cards) is more than I take home each month. So, the time has come to sell the ring.
Sometime over the last period of months, the ring has transformed from a diamond and gold symbol of love, to just a piece of unwanted and unneeded jewelry. And hopefully, into a source of some urgently needed cash. Now I just have to figure out how to go about the logistics of selling a piece of jewelry. And I think I can do that. I figured out how to buy an engagement ring with no previous experience, I supposed I can figure out how to sell one as well.
And don’t go suggesting ebay, because I have no interest in the hassle of setting up an auction and then shipping this thing off, nor the risk of not actually getting paid. I ain’t going there. But fortunately I live in a place where jewelry stores that specialize in, or sell to some extent or another, estate jewelry. Not that one ring qualifies as an estate, but these people have to buy the jewelry from someone, why not buy a diamond ring from me?
So, that’s going on the to-do list, and ASAP. I have rent to pay again in a few weeks, and a vacation coming up, for which I am as broke as I was in college. You know that broke? The one where you can’t even go to the ATM because you don’t even have $20 left in your account to be able to make a withdrawal? I’m about there.
As I was thinking about this business transaction prompted by financial need, I found myself looking starting to put this post together and looked at the calendar. And the irony was, and I’m a big fan of irony, I realized that I was supposed to be getting married this month. This weekend as a matter of fact. Saturday, March 12, 2005 was supposed to be the big day. The date was chosen because it would have almost been the 2-year anniversary of our first date, which was March 13, 2003.
That made me pause for a moment or three. Wow.
If things had gone according to the original plan I would be in another city on the other side of the country preparing to say I do right about now. A few months ago, I was really dreading March 12, 2005. But in the here-and-now, it almost snuck up on me without even noticing.
How did that happen?
I don’t know. But I’m glad it did. I’m glad I’m not in Tennessee. I’m glad March 12 is just another day.
OK, so I’m not glad that my ass is so broke, but it is definitely better to be broke than broken. That I know for sure.
Life
Love
Money
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Talk about a love story
Love. It's one of those words that we have heard all our lives. We think we know what it means, but some people just don't understand the depth to which love can go between two people.
This is what I call a true love story. Make sure you read the whole story.
Love
This is what I call a true love story. Make sure you read the whole story.
Love
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