Saturday, September 10, 2005

A perhaps brief return from exile

I haven't made a post here in more than a week. I wish I could say I've just been busy. But the truth is I've been, well, disengaged. This just hasn't seemed very important.

It's not like there haven't been things I've thought about posting about, like the morning I discovered on my way to work that a SWAT team was a few doors down in my apartment complex, guns drawn and looking all militaristic. Although, that wouldn't have been a very interesting post because I never found out what all the commotion was about.

I also learned this week that one of my friends from Eastern Oregon, one of the few people from home I've seen since I moved back to Oregon, was deployed with the National Guard this week to help with hurricane relief. I tried calling his cell phone because he was supposed to be here in Salem for a few days before being shipped out, but I go a busy signal on his cell phone.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have friends and people who nearly became part of my family living in Hurricane Alley. Most of them are in Florida and have been spared the wrath of Hurricane Katrina. But then this past week Hurricane Ophelia was lingering off the east coast of Florida, dropping rain all over the area I visited in the spring of 2004, where my ex's sister and nieces live. It was just hanging off the coast parallel to the city where my ex moved.

I was doing pretty good for a while, not thinking about my ex, but her birthday was in late August and then all this hurricane business. And yesterday I saw a job posting on the Internet for a job that looks to be the one she took almost exactly a year ago when she moved back to Florida after our break up. So, yea, she's been on my mind, so much so that I woke up this morning dreaming about her moving away again.

I don't know if women spend much if any mental energy thinking about past loves, lovers, boyfriends or whatever after a relationship ends. They seem, as a gender, much more adept at walking away than men are, or certainly than I have ever been.

I can honestly say I don't want my ex back. And for many, many months after our break up I would have taken her back in a heartbeat, no question asked, no hesitation. But that does not mean I don't care about what happens to her or her family. There are people I was ready, eager even, to make part of my family. And the ex was already more deeply interwoven into my life than I imagined or could understand at the time. It was only once I realized that was all gone and not coming back that I knew I had quit being and I and had become a we.

It took quite a while to get back to thinking and being singular again. And in recent weeks I've admitted to myself, a few people close to me, and I think even to readers of this blog that I am ready to now open myself up to the prospects of a new relationship again. So why do thoughts and worries and wondering about my ex and her family make themselves so stubbornly prevalent now?

I sent an e-mail last weekend to my ex's stepdad. I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him and his family. He was kind enough to write back and filled in a few details of happenings with his family over the last year. He didn't offer any information on my ex, except to make it clear that she was well. And I didn't ask. He and I grew fairly close in a few short visits in a fairly short period of time. It seems so unfortunate that we can't still be friends.

So, anyway, I'm sorry I haven't been around much to make posts or read your blogs for that matter. And next week about midweek I'm heading to Eastern Oregon for a business trip. I'll be attending the world famous
Pendleton Round-Up for work. It's a rough gig, I know, but someone has to do it.

The Round-Up is a rodeo, for those of you not familiar with it. But as much as anything it is an excuse for a big-ass party. So I play to work a little, and hopefully, party a little as well. I'm hoping to run into some old friends while there.

I am taking a company computer along, so perhaps there will be opportunities to make some posts. But I make no promises.





6 comments:

3rdtimesacharm ( 3T ) said...

This was a well written post G-Man.
I'm glad you decided to share with us.

On women being more adept at walking away? I can only speak for myself here though. I think a lot of times it just becomes a necessity to let go. Whether the pressures of jobs, our children or life, staying busy keeps the negative aspects of a relationship ending at bay. Not to say they are not thought about, at those quiet moments before we fall asleep at night. Or over lunch with a girlfriend. I know personally, I do a lot of crying in the initial onset of a break-up. I put my feelings and hurt into words with my girlfriends. I work thru it letting myself feel the pain, and then I put it to bed. And I purposefully tell myself, "no more. You've grieved, now move on." And will force myself to do so, thru outings with friends, exercising (power walking) and a distraction of dating others, for the pure fun of each activity. Going thru the motions of having a good time, until I am having a good time. Letting go of past lovers is not always easy, and a part of them in some ways or another always remain with you, and I let them. Past lovers help make us a little bit of who we are, somthing is learned each time. The end of a relationship becomes a positive eventually. Just my two cents, for what it's worth. Wish you the best always G-Man.

3T

The G-man said...

T,

Thanks for your comments. I certainly have no regrets. This is just an odd situation for me, and was a new experience as far as depth of emotional attachment. And for whatever reason, I have been fortunate to maintain some sort of relationship or contact with woman who have been important to my life previously. Not that that was necessarily planned, it's just been nice to periodically touch base. I seriously doubt that will happen in this case.

I'm doing OK, just having a bit of a down or reflective period. There have been several of those over the last year, and I know this one too shall pass. I had just thought or hoped they were all over. But as many wise people have told me, it may never truly be over, meaning I complete stop caring what happens to my ex or her family. And that's OK. It reassures me that my feelings were real and what I thought they were. And thank God the crying jags are long-since over, well, except for all this Hurricane Katrina stuff. The emotions remain much nearer to the surface than they once were. I choose to think that means that I will be able to share them with someone else in the future. Think there are any women out there that can deal with a man who gets misty at the drop of a hat?

3rdtimesacharm ( 3T ) said...

That G-Man, is the sign of a warm heart. I have no doubts you will find love and the intensity of emotion again in life.

There is nothing wrong with going thru a reflective period either. I would encourage you to use your blog to help sort out your feelings. (When you feel the need)

You're an open, caring and warm hearted man. Exactly what women are looking for. (The ones that have their sh*t together anyway)

And I wish you a relationship, where she will return those feelings you have completely.

3T

The G-man said...

Hey, watch it T. You are going to ruin the image I'm trying to cultivate as a cold, heartless, macho, bastard!

3rdtimesacharm ( 3T ) said...

LOL! Hey G-Man, as we all age, the "cold, heartless, macho bastard" is left in the dust anyway. Mature women want kind hearted, open and warm men.
;-)3T
PS. In my humble opinion.

Brat said...

That is exactly what we want 3T! oh and G-man, that is why I like you the way I do, that and all of your money! :-)

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