Saturday, August 20, 2005

It was only a minor felony

After work I made a brief stop at home to pack a bag before leaving Salem and heading to Portland for the weekend. I figured I would stop by the house where I was to house sit and check on the dogs and cats. You know, make sure a dog hasn't eaten a cat, or a pooch didn't get an eye clawed out by a feline, something like that. Then I would head out on some errands, like going to the bank, filling up the car with gas and maybe stopping off at a bar for a beer or two.

I should have known better. Nothing ever goes as planned with my family.

The rule of thumb when dealing with my daughter's family is that I consider all plans flexible. If you like spontaneity, it can be fun. If you crave order and stability, it's a nightmare.

I've learned to appreciate the spontaneity more. Today, my appreciation was tested.

Earlier this week, we coordinated where the house key would be left, and she told me that she may leave a not with instructions. So, I pull up to the house, with my Burgerville dinner in hand, and look for the house key. It isn't where it is supposed to be. I check several other places on the porch. Still no key. When I run out of ideas for places to look, I decide to give up and call my daughter's mom to ask her where she left the key.

No answer on her cell phone.

I call my daughter to see if she has heard from her mom.


Well, if you do, tell her I can't find the key and have her call me.


So then I try my daughter's aunt who live here in town.

No answer.

So, I try text messaging my daughter's mom from my cell phone. And then I wait.

Well, at least I had my dinner.

So after downing my pepper bacon Tillamook cheeseburger and Walla Walla Sweet Onion rings, I wait some more. I wall all around the house and find the dogs tied up in the back yard. Well, at least they won't be crapping and pissing in the house if I have to turn around and head home. But do I leave them outside overnight? They are big, hairy dogs. They won't freeze, but I'm supposed to be taking care of them. Do I take them with me? Go get food for them?

After making my way around the house I notice that several windows of the house are open. So if I abandon the house and the critters the house will be vulnerable unless the burglar alarm is set. But would the windows be open if the alarm is on? Should I try to crawl in through a window? And if I do try that, what if the alarm is set? I don't know the code to disarm it. Or what if a neighbor spots me climbing through a window and calls the cops?

I decide the prudent course is to wait a while. So I sit in one of the patio chairs and enjoy the warm evening with a nice cool breeze blowing, making the wind chimes dance and sing their light sweet song.

After weighing my options and inspecting the house , I decide to break in. What the hell, I haven't committed a felony in a while. This could cap the evening nicely.

The screen is stuck pretty good on the window that looks the most plausible to get through without breaking a ton of stuff and killing myself in the process. I might have to mangle the screen to get in, but it looks doable. So, after improvising some burglary tools using the nail clippers attached to my keychain and some delicate balancing on a bucket, and an ungraceful tuck and roll maneuver through the window, I make my way into the house. No bells. No whistles, just a little quiet Friday night breaking and entering.

I finally hear from my daughter's mom a few hours later. She confirms that she forgot to leave a key hidden outside. But, yes, I did find the instructions she left. And a house key hanging on the key rack inside the house.

Oh, and then when I log onto the computer, my daughter instant messages me.

Guess what? Change of plans. She's not staying where she is until Sunday so her mother can pick her up and bring her back home. She wants to attend a party Saturday night in Portland. So her other dad and I are going to each drive about 100 miles to meet halfway between there and here so I can bring her back a day early.

She may only be 14, but she's learned the family traits early.

Tomorrow ought to be an interesting day. We'll see what surprises are in store.


OldHorsetailSnake said...

I know how this works:

"Let's see, how can we screw G-Man this weekend? I know, let's...."

3rdtimesacharm ( 3T ) said...

Ah the joys of family living! Being yanked, pushed and pulled around is honestly just part of having kids. The other stuff with your daughters mom and the other dad? Just part of family living in the world of X's and step parents can be crazy shit.
Just enjoy the roller coaster ride, when it's over means they are grown up. :-(
PS. One of the things I miss the most is buying big giant walla walla sweet onions and putting a big old thick slice on a Bar-bqued hamburger. Mmmmm

Brat said...

If I would of known you liked to break and enter I would of left my bedroom window open for you years ago!

I will be home tonight, around 10:00 pm (my time), I will leave the window open for you.

The G-man said...

Not fair. For one thing, I didn't see the comment until 10 minutes after 10 your time. And for another, I am house/pet/teen sitting.


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