Friday, August 12, 2005

Snickering at the misfortune of others

People are idiots. Unfortunately modern society and technology have turned Darwin's theory of survival of the fittest on its head. I'm convinced there are more morons per capita over the age of 18 living today than ever in history.

As evidence I offer the following observation. This morning I was driving to work, zipping up Market Street so I wouldn't be late for a meeting. Up ahead, in the right hand lane of travel, is a van. And it's not moving. It is sitting there at the right edge of the traffic lane with its hazard lights flashing.

At first I thought maybe the car was just moving slowly. But, it quickly becomes evident that this car is going to impede my travel if I stay in this lane. So, I slow down and ease over into the left lane.

As I pass the van I look over to try to figure out why the car was stopped in the road. There is someone sitting behind the wheel and there are no obvious signs of mechanical failure on the van detectable while driving past at 25-30 mph. No smoke, no shredded tire (on the driver's side anyway). The hood was not up. Just the hazard lights flashing.

I keep checking back into the rear view mirror after I pass, perplexed by the morning oddity. A moment later I see another vehicle swerve to avoid the motionless van occupying space in the motion lane.

Then I see a small SUV in the right hand lane behind me, and he seems to be booking right along. So, I watch the mirror to see when this car will swerve. Instead I see the van lurch forward and skew a bit in the traffic lane.

Yep, it appeared that the van got rear-ended by the SUV. But I was a fair distance down the road by then, so I couldn't tell for sure. I know, but I don't know, ya know?

Oh, and yes, I absolutely laughed. Idiots are funny. Idiots and bent metal: fucking hysterical.

I'm not sure who was the bigger idiot, the schmuck that parked the van on a road with no shoulder, or the SUV driver that was ignoring one of the key requirements of operating a motor vehicle, which is to WATCH THE FUCKING ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU!

I'm going with the SUV driver as the bigger of the boobs, as I'm giving the van driver the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the van broke down. But if the driver just stopped in front of a house so someone could run in for a second or something like that, then both drivers got what they deserved this morning.

Unfortunately, technology has made it damn difficult to make a fatal error anymore. Thing like seat belts, airbags and safety engineered construction save a lot of people from serious injury or death when they do something stupid.

In the interest of full discloser, I do plenty of stupid shit behind the wheel. For example, I figure you only go to a drive-through window at a restaurant if the plan is to also eat while behind the wheel.

Not fucking smart, I know.

And when I crash into you when you turn in front of me without using your blinker then we can argue over who the biggest dunce is. Of course we can stand in the street arguing while lookyloos creep past us in their cars while yacking on their cell phones to some other putz who is also driving while talking on their cell phone in the off moments when they aren't turning around to yell at the kicks in the back seat.

Seatbelt laws and airbags are fucking with natural selection. Let's get rid of them. Oh, and helmet laws for motorcyclists too.

I would suggest we get rid of condoms too, but then we'd just have even more idiots impregnating someone a few short days before they crash into a train because they were scratching their balls due to an unexplained burning and itch. Death by STD, but not before they spread their moronic weedseed.

OK, enough ranting. It's time for dinner. I'm off to the Carl's Jr. drive-thru. Give me a shout out on my cell if you want to chat.


Dagny said...

You only get the shout out on the cell as you go through the drive-through if you are driving stick. I mean doing all that and driving an automatic is no challenge at all.

3rdtimesacharm ( 3T ) said...

Love that line G-Man!
"Idiots and bent metal.
Fucking hysterical!" hehehehe

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You saw the accident and didn't stop to provide aid? Pish. I have to rat you out for leaving the scene of an accident.

(See, you could have found out which one REALLY WAS the dopiest.)

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