Where's home?

When I was a young boy, my family moved from Nebraska to Oregon. I turned 8 shortly after the move. The adjustment to a new school in a new town and living out in the country after living in town was pretty traumatic for a shy young boy. But kids adapt pretty quickly, and I was no different. My mother, on the other hand, did not. For years whenever she referred to “home” she meant Nebraska. I don’t remember how old I was but I remember the first time mom referred to “home” as our house out in rural Eastern Oregon. But I remember realizing that something had changed. That she had changed.

I’ve now lived in Palm Springs longer than I’ve lived anywhere else in my adult life. I realized on this vacation back to Oregon that Palm Springs has become my home. I’m not quite sure how to take that though. I love this community, so it’s not that there is any shame in thinking of this as my home. It’s just that it doesn’t really fit into my perception of who and what I am. I am an Oregonian, or at least that’s what I think of myself as. But I’ve lived in California for almost 10 years now.

I don’t fit the typical California story. I did not come here seeking my fortune and fame, or seeking to start over. Not really. I came here because there was a job offer. I had not been California dreaming. Not ever. Although perhaps I came here to start over, I suppose. I knew it was a place the woman I was breaking up at the time with would not follow me. But this was only to be a temporary journey. A year, maybe two, and then it would be back to the Northwest.

But I found I liked California far more than I imagined I would. The desert, at that time the Mojave Desert, had worked its charms on me. And I was fortunate to work with people who challenged me to be better, and helped me to get better at my chosen profession. They invested in me, and I flourished.

The same cannot be said for my time in Palm Springs. The first couple of years here, I did advance quickly and did work with people who took an interest in my success. That environment changed though. Now, it is the place itself that has kept me here. I have said several times that this is the first place I’ve lived in my adult professional life where the place is more of a draw than the job. It’s not that I hate what I do, it’s just that the work environment is far more stressful than it needs to be. And my career trajectory has nosed down and then flattened out. I now have a job that I never would have even applied for 5 years ago when I came here. Something is definitely wrong with that picture. But, I love this place. Except for one thing. My daughter is not here.

And that is the rub. I only get to see my daughter a few weeks each year. And that is not enough. That is not enough time to spend with a teenage girl who is rabidly becoming a woman and rapidly becoming the woman she will one day be. I need to be closer. I need to spend more time with her. And that gets complicated, because there just aren’t the career opportunities in the Northwest that are available even in a two-county area here in California, let alone the greater Southern California area. So, the time may be coming to make a decision. Family or job? Palm Springs or Portland?

I have the feeling 2005 may be the year when the balance tips one way or the other. I think I’m ready. The last year, 2004, was an important year. I learned that having a life outside of work is really more important than career. And I’ve learned that in order to have a meaningful life, it takes effort and ongoing hard work. I’ve spent more than 15 years (not counting college) working on my career. And I’m still living alone. My daughter is more than 1,000 miles ways. And I’ve got a job that someone 10-plus years younger could and probably should have.

Perhaps that sounds a little depressing, but I am not depressed. Contemplative, yes, but not depressed. I have just been thinking a lot about home. It was good to go home to see family and friends. But it was good to come home to Palm Springs too.

They say home is where the heart is. Is it possible to have a divided heart?